If you can crack a peanut between your butt cheeks, you’ve earned my attention. But seriously, who in their right mind would get a BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift)?

My bum has ballooned up with a hematoma, a lovely parting gift from an impromptu meeting with a metal rail while snowboarding. Now, it looks like I’ve got a rogue butt implant—just on the right side. In pants, it’s a whole power cheek situation, bulging and making everything squeamishly tight.

When I feel it, it’s an absolute mess. Like moguls on a ski hill, smooth one second, tough the next. Completely unpredictable and honestly, kind of munted.

So yeah, I’m opting out of a BBL for the left cheek. I’m just hoping the swelling deflates soon, and I can get my normal, perky bum back.